the world we live in.

12:33amwhat happened when i was with you and monica?12:33amwgat do you meanwhat12:33amit was just weird like i was surprised you didn’t wanna talk more i guess idk12:34amidk i guess cuz monica and i havnet really talked in a whileidk it was just wierd. idk whyprlly cuz of the girl im dating nowidkme and her were talking thenand yeahidk12:35amyeah i get it12:35ami dont get it hahahow do you get it12:36amcause..i knew it was too good to be trueorthat there was another reason than just the distance12:37amidkdont ever think thatyou know how much i liked you?i pretty much came to see if you were happyi told you i loved youi meant itdont ever think i didnt care about you12:38amgod adam..it has honestly taken me SO long to be able to be okay with everything finally. you don’t even knowi was a wreck haabut it’s fine nowand you’re happy, which is important 12:38amwhy were you a wreck?jennifer i know im one of a kindno one else is like mei empack ppls lives everyday

My Girls-Animal Collective

Apple Pie Bed—Lawrence Arabia

Buss Dat (Segal ft. Kaluuya

Rick Ross featuring Jay-Z & Young Jeezy—Hustlin (Remix)

Someday—Black Eyed Peas

The Time (Dirty Bit)—Black Eyed Peas

Howlin’ for you—The Black Keys

Too Afraid to Love You—The Black Keys

Next Girl—The Black Keys

Feel Good On My Lips—Tim McGraw

Refofev—Kid Cudi

Trapped in my mind—kid cudi

Lollipop—Lil Wayne

Who Dat Girl—Flo Rida

Sometimes,

I feel the world crashing down on me. The weight of everything suffocates you, and pulls you down until you’re so weighed down, in so deep.

Sometimes,

The world gets tired. People change, things don’t stay the same. And it kills.

You feel like you can’t take it anymore, and you don’t quite know how you’re going to move on. But the thing is…you always do. You’ll surprise yourself every time. Just when you feel like you don’t have that extra strength in your being to move on…you do. Life has a funny way of working itself out like that. God always takes care of you somehow, no matter what.


…Just remember that. Especially during this Christmas season.

So sometimes, amidst all this ‘craziness’, I’m able to sort of take a step back and really think about things. Or not think, rather. I find that thinking too much can be a bad thing in certain circumstances. I’d rather not think about some things. Or over-think things. I just want to live. I don’t want to feel the pain, just feel love. I want to be happy, and feel alive without having to feel torn and broken. I want to experience life, and feel rejuvenated and YOUNG, like I’m supposed to. Not weathered down, broken, sad, and miserable. This is why I need to look to my passions—art, music, service, friendship, compassion—and focus on those. Not to let things drag me down. I am the only one, at this point, truly, who is in control of my destiny (besides God of course). Therefore, I need to take charge of my feelings and not let things spiral so out of control. I can’t be this emotional all the time. There’s some I know, and love, despite everything, who says he has two moods—‘chill’ and ‘angry’. I don’t want to just be upset. I’d rather be ‘chill’, all the time, frankly. Just emotional enough to let things touch me, but not make me lose sight of everything, or to lose focus of what’s important. 

At this point in my life, I have absolutely no idea how things are going to turn out. I’m giving my destiny and my life to God, and putting everything in His hands now. I need to believe that whatever happens, happens because it’s supposed to. Life will work out the way it should. I need to believe this, and hold on to it. Everything happens for a reason, and people walk into and out of your life for just that purpose. What purpose may you ask? I’m not so sure. But there HAS to be one. There has to be a reason why we’re all here, and why things happen the way they do. Why would we love, or hurt, or be happy otherwise? Why would some prosper while others don’t? Everything happens for a reason, and we need perspective to bring us back to that.

There once was a statement that Mother Theresa once said…to love everyone, and look to the face of the poor or less fortunate as that of Jesus Christ. I really like this. That’s something I have to do more in my life. Reach out to those who are in need, and think of them as if they were Jesus himself. Everyone deserves a second, third, forth chance. Everyone deserves the same common courtesy. 

“And I will be your safety net” 

Fuck. I hate when I feel like this. It’s all to familiar as of late. I’m so fucking sick of being upset. I know you aren’t. You don’t care. You never did…I was just a rebound for you. Why the hell would I let myself invest so much into something? A lot makes sense now. How you didn’t want me to rely on you for happiness. How you always said you’d be the one to fuck it up. I didn’t believe you. I was blindsided, and that’s my fault. Now I’m the one paying the consequences. Everything is fine for you, nothing has changed. You don’t care. Now I’m stuck with picking up the pieces. You aren’t the one here…to be surrounded by all this, everything that reminds me of you. EVERYTHING reminds me of you. Sometimes I wish I could take it all back. Was it even worth it? After everything that happened…maybe it would be better if it just hadn’t happened at all. Fuck this. You’re lucky, you know that? You have the world at your fingertips. You can do anything. But me? I’m stuck here. Literally. I can’t fucking leave. Trapped. No fucking way out. You can be anywhere or do whatever you want. Why? Why can’t I be the one that can go wherever? You hurt me more than anything I’ve ever felt in my life. Maybe you just put me in touch with reality. But I feel like at this point, I’m never going to feel something so painful in my life. Having my fucking heart split into two. I don’t even know if I have a heart anymore. No one else has to deal with this. None of my friends know what I’m going through, and no one can help. You won’t even talk to me. And why? What the hell did I do to YOU? I was always there. Always fucking there. It’s really fucked up you know? At one point, I would have given anything to you…been anything for you…DONE anything for you. The fucked up part? I think I still would. I asked you for a few simple things, and even that you couldn’t do. But I didn’t care. I overlooked it. Thought you were busy or something. I didn’t want to be a burden. Even now…I can’t fight for you. I’d lose you even more. I wouldn’t win. It’s all really fucked up. No one else understands. Don’t know what to do anymore. I tried. It won’t ever be the same. I think you took my heart with you when you went to Oregon. Indiana. Everywhere you go.

I think I’m losing it.

Walking around looking for a way
But no one tells me which way to go
I’m caught up in a world
A labyrinth, a maze
Where yes men could easily be known
I ask them no questions
They give me no answers
Following the wise
But they’re walking in pampers
Give me a cigarette
Smoking my cancer
Drink the pain away
But I still have no answers

I’m lost on a road
Don’t know which way to go
I’m losing my mind
Losing control of the wheel
And I’m swerving
On and off the road
I’m lost on a road
But survival is a must
Don’t know who I can trust
I’m living in a rush
I don’t understand the fuss
My brain is bout to bust

I think I’m losing it
I might be losing it
I just might lose
Am I losing my mind?
And I’m so confused I don’t know what to do
And I need a clue before I run out of time
Am I losing it?
Am I losing it?
I think I’m losing
I’m losing my mind
Am I losing it?
Am I losing it?
I think I’m losing
I’m losing my mind

…

I’m making this money
Just to go spend it
Living the good life
Hope nobody ends it
But who are you kidding?
Ay who are you lying to?
You know if they want you
Best believe they will find you

I’m lost on a road
And there’s no one to talk to
There’s nowhere to run to
I’m going in circles
I’m talking to myself
Got me blazing this purple

Lost—Gorilla Zoe.

I want to be inspired again. Renew that light in myself that is sparingly found, and unite with the creative part of my mind. I’m tired of the feeling that I’ve grown accustomed to lately; not feeling ‘creative’ in any sense, and being depressed. If life is like that…what’s the meaning of it anyway? If we feel dull and uninspired, what is living even worth? Maybe it’s more that those depressing moments are a part of life, and the creative and electrifying moments that are so seldom are those that make us cherish life. The sad parts are the real parts, and the beautiful parts are the ones that make life worth living. Something to live for. The world is cruel—that’s for sure. That’s such a cliche too, everyone says that. “Oh, you’re just young. When you grow up you’ll realize what the world is like.” Oh yeah? I’m figuring that out now. Children are so naive. I’m beginning to wonder if ignorance truly IS bliss. But then again, maybe not. If I hadn’t had some of the experiences I’ve had in life, I wouldn’t be who I am. Life isn’t meant to be all perfect and wonderful…that’s why we have sin, death, and evil. With those present in the world, there’s no way life could just be great all the time. So since we have to have all that ‘bad’ stuff, maybe those few moments (even if they ARE few) where for an instant, things are okay, are something to be cherished and certainly not taken for granted. Maybe that’s what Heaven is like. Those little moments in life where you feel euphoric, energized, and…beautiful. 

In my life, I have seen people walk into the sea just to find memories. Plagued by constant misery, their eyes cast down, fixed upon the ground, their eyes cast down, I’ll keep my eyes fixed on the sun.

-Shake Me Down, Cage the Elephant

I bet that’s what Heaven is. Really. Just an amazing, incredible place that can’t even be expressed through words. Life gets you down, true. But you can’t let it take you there. To that place where you feel like you just go deeper and deeper, no chance of getting out. I know how that spiral feels. Like no one cares, like you’re worth nothing, like you’ll never amount to anything, like there’s no point in anything. But you know what’s wrong with that? (1) God created YOU. You…in all your moments of glory and agony…He created YOU. Out of everyone, He chose to make you the way you are, EXACTLY the way you are. (2) God not only created you, but He created you for a purpose. I have this theory that either you die because you fulfill your duties, or whatever you were set here on earth to do. Or, you die because your death itself is an instrument in fulfilling your duties. In other words, by your death, someone will be touched (by the domino effect) and therefore, your meaning of life will be fulfilled. Back to the beginning…life is difficult. There’s no way of getting around it. But, even though some moments may seem difficult, you have to find that place that centers you. Or else, you’ll be reduced to nothing. Don’t let yourself go there. Keep your eyes fixed on the sun. 

ashin’ kusher—kid cudi

heartbeat—enrique

prom queen—lil wayne

is there any love (feat. wale)—kid cudi

rollin’ (feat. kid cudi)

untitled—eminem

ghost in the machine—b.o.b.

opposite of adults—chiddy bang

black and yellow—wiz khalifa

making love to the money